read if you think you know me

"there is a time for
everything…a time to be born and a time to die…a time to kill and a time to
heal…a time to mourn and a time to dance…" and so on… you get the whole
picture of the scheduled juxtapositions.

anyhow, i never expected this of me,
but i remembered my mom giving me this out from the book of Ecclesiastes, which
is quite something to say; i usually don’t note much of what my mom says. but
that’s beside my point right now. what i liked about this passage when i reread
it was in the seventh verse:

"a time to be silent and a time
to speak."

…

anyone who cared to note me saying
so (and i count a sad few) would know me to live with the motto "shut
up"… or at least i’ve long tried to. cause it does help to do so…
might be the best idea i’ve had all my life. i found there’s just so much to
gain–and many more not to lose–in silence.

i’m not sensationalizing what misery
i have (it can be just like any other’s, i get it) but i do live quite a
complicated life. having too many secrets usually accounts to that joy-killing
disease, but you know…so would having inflamed testicles…*coughryancough*

but seriously, i do have a lot to
keep from everyone, save my choicest friends, or the rarest situations when
someone asks sincerely. yet all the same, there really isn’t much to
hide… i am how you see i am: a bit different with different crowds,
but pretty much the same as when no one’s looking. and no, i do not
have closet secrets (except maybe a few hidden porn, admittedly).

it’s appalling how people can be so
presumptuous so often, even judgmental… even some of my own friends, those
disproportionate species whom i trusted would know better of me–or at least
know me better to think other of me. but no. i’d probably be in a coffin by
that time they decide to pay me proper respect… and surround me with flowers,
not thinking i might sneeze if i were still breathing.

i don’t really ask to be respected
(not that i believe anyone should still ask to get some). but i do believe in
the golden rule, so i give some to get some. well at the least, i try to show
tact and care to watch what i say. regrettably, some people mind too much of
others to mind their own. so here now enters the challenge to silence, and my
time to speak… or in my meek approach of writing, express to those concerned
what i truly have in mind.

see, i value many things, one most
is friendship. and i love my friends–i can safely claim many would attest to
that. sticks and stones may break my bones, but words… well, words can
hurt me… and it happens a lot with my friends, though i don’t really hate
them for that… not when every day’s a bad day to get carried away. but each
hurtful word only gets me loving less… no more helpful than seawater to the dehydrated.
and each day, someone always comes along, wasting away friendship through brash
offense…

…

"a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to
speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for
peace…"

…

think about it.

and if it’s worth it, shut up.

se7en

july 7, 2007. triple 7. so that should mean triple luck for me. lucky lucky lucky day.

earlier today i saw a metal sheet fly off of our roof. i went up our terrace to investigate and–eyes squinted against the furious wind–could just see another one held by a few nails, about to follow suit. well i didn’t die, that’s lucky enough i guess… but then again, i got two more hours ahead of me and tons of possibly bad things that could come my way. not that i’m eager to prove myself wrong about today, duh

there’s just nothing about it though. i had been anticipating this day for a week yet last night, nothing. i dunno. it’s just… cool. that’s it. nothing more special i felt. i just like 7.

i had fun anticipating though. been through four tough days of duty in the OPD/ER, faced a 6-foot american army doctor, had fun with a bit more intramusculars, learned a new technique in making cottonballs, got bitten by an over-acting inmate, and almost donated blood.^^ also, i learned from an online test that i, apparently, was a greasy sailor from Texas in my past life who died from suicide. interesting…

moving on, i don’t really know what else to write about… gahd, this day is turning out boring.

tough luck. sigh. lol.

life… growing up… something.

getting past the teen age isn’t really a good prospect i have about growing up. i think it’s such a bummer, really… quite a nasty wake up call, the day you’re already twenty. but such is a day we all have to face sooner or later.

that day happened to be today for me. and i don’t quite know how i feel about that… nor how to say it.

some people probably enjoy it, others get a little depressed. either way, it’s a good time to have a party, birthday cake and all. if you’re happy about turning 20, then you get to celebrate. on the other hand, if it’s getting you down, then the best thing you can do is turn to your friends to get you through the dark hours. *sigh*

where did the last two years go again? five minutes ago I was just turning 18 and crying in the bathroom. gahd, how much has happened; everything’s changed. well, almost everything. there are lessons i never quite learned, some things i can’t seem to outgrow. but while growing old is mandatory, growing up has always been just optional. aging really isn’t a torment.

now that I’m twenty and and entering young adulthood, I may have more of my life behind me than ahead of me. then again, I may not actually be halfway there yet… but i don’t really know. there’s just no telling.

life isn’t a straight road where you can see up ahead. it’s full of bends; with all the sunlit footpaths, rocky roads, shady alleys, and dingy dead-ends.

but living life, i find it more exciting turning ever few corners and meet surprises along the way, pleasant or not. after all, the best things are always those you don’t plan; and the best lessons from the worst ways you’ve walked.

i’m not that bad at learning. i just hope to maybe find peace while at the process of it. and happiness. somewhere.

random thoughts

a lot has happened since, well… since i’ve last blogged. so. i can’t think of any way to piece em all up and get a single thought in the end, that would be just weird. anyways, if there are any lessons to learn or thoughts to be left for pondering, they would amount to more than just a few… or else there’s nothing to get at all and this whole blog is just pointless. but then again, that would just be me exactly. so here goes a list of thoughts i’ve had over the past month:

Operating Room Duty. Since our first duties during third year first sem, I have always preferred this over DR: partly because the atmosphere is better and we have spots to rest on when there’s nothing to do, and mostly cause it doesn’t reek as much of blood… or vagina.
Anyhow, it still does stink, unbelievably at times. On the bright side, there’s more Lysol than I remember the last time, so it’s better. Come to think of it, there is some progress there somewhere; I just can’t point out anything specifically… something about the nurses, too, and stricter protocols, which really is a good thing in itself even though it might mean we’ll have less slack-off time (we actually got in the middle of a rather feisty meeting of the OR
staff that was all the same scary and exciting for a gossip like me). The whole place still needs a complete overhaul though, by strictly sterile standards.

And so we went on duty. It’s a good thing our schedule’s been changed to 16-hr shifts on alternate days with group D. Things were a whole lot better, that being our second round of duty there, and the atmosphere was certainly not as tense as before (this I have to account also to having a different CI who we have gotten comfortable with). Unfortunately, luck wasn’t quite on our side this time around and we didn’t have as much cases as we needed. By the end, we still lacked major cases, which we gave priority over minors, given the difficulty to get them, duh.
Overall, the whole duty was fine, what with the comforts—as I have mentioned—of a new CI. Also, we got to interact more with the staff (including hard-a** ma’am Sheila). And I have also come to enjoy (and, if I may say so, also mastered) being a circulating nurse. It’s all good; I actually have half a mind about working there, hehe.

Delivery Room Duty. For some sick, ugly reason, I wanted another go with the once ever-nasty midwives. But I never had a chance, which was of course a very good thing. They were terribly much nicer than we had thought them being from our last duty so that I no longer have reason to blog about “the devil wears scrubs”. However (as if to compensate for that little bit of better luck), we had less cases to handle during that round of duty. It really sucked; that was already our third time in the DR, yet we still didn’t get to complete our requirements… well not all of us at least, I’m quite done with it myself, thank God.
Anyhow, we got through the whole bloody schedule in the (literally) bloody room. Everything went fine for me, give and take a few pointless arguments with some people about our rotation *rolls eyes*. But skip that: I don’t recall getting tense about anything throughout the duty. We were more relaxed doing our jobs but, of course, felt as sore as ever before.
Sadly though, I cannot say for DR what I had about OR when it comes to improvements. If anything, the place seemed to me less sterile than before (I had my occasional rhinitis to account for that). It had me thinking what I could to help back there if I ever get rich someday (which I badly hope I do—through nursing at that).
I still hope to go back, even with all the things I just can’t get comfortable with in there. Also, I have taking quite a liking to FHB. It’s kind of exhilarating and heartwarming, listening to it, not to mention extremely relieving, what with the difficulty of having to locate it:p

Open Clinic. I have to say: it was quite a difference having to deal with penises for a change, after all the vaginas we’ve had to stare at in the DR. Still, it didn’t make me feel any less grossed out, having a penis myself, and watching all those penises getting cut and bloody.

Watching all the circumcising, it certainly looked doable enough even for someone like me. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to. I was the only one not to, in fact, because I got busy with the dentists before that. The whole spine-tingling sight of the tooth-plucking was still worth watching though. Them dentists were unbelievably fast, it was so cool and amusing.
It was all fun and excitement that day; I hope there’s another one like it soon. We also got free lunch (SDA’s make really good food, mind you, it was public service after all, and we deserve food for that at least (and minor-case credits).

TV Crap. Some shows should be banned for their sheer unsophistication. Sadly, a lot of people buy them. *sigh* Just when i’m beginning  to have hope for mankind again. Take the ff:
Wrestling. Sucks. Duh. Why some people insist on its authenticity is a mystery to me. IT’S ALL F’in FAKE!!!
WTF (What The F / Wrestling Totally F’s).
Stick to UFC, tell ya. cause if it’s not in the octagon, it isn’t real. Ptuh.
Lupin. Mabilis, madulas, sadyang mapangahas… ma… shit. Can they be more pathetic?! The only thing they’re good at is posing for the camera, which of course makes the show nothing but tackier and cornier than ever. And they’re number 1 on primetime?! Bullcrap.

Summer Sunshine. I shouldn’t even begin on this one. *watch the blood pressure*

Politics. Or should i say politicians? Ah. yes. Walang kamatayang pamumulitika. Will they ever stop? Afraid not. *sigh*

Some of my bets aren’t making it. *sigh*

Angging is being downright thick and obviously cheating. *sigh more*

Oh, well. At least Pacquiao conceded–whch could have been to tumultuous applause, had he not been hinting that he really was cheated on and only conceded to end the mess for the people’s sakes. Aww. Ya shoud’ve shown her manny! give her the old one-two, i say! Whatever.

…

…

So there. Move along now:]

my finger aint a virgin no more

so check it out: i just came from noc DR duty, which i unintentionally slept through (yet still feel sore for). in spite of that, i went out of my way just to practice my sacred right to vote as a part of the democracy, being the responsible citizen that i am… ok, no, i’m not. still, i went ahead and cast my vote for what it’s worth so i deserve credit for that at least. anyhow, that would make my parents satisfied. my father actually rounded the whole ids campus in search of our (us brothers’) precincts so as to avoid confusion and delay (which i would badly not want, being that i only voted cause i was told it was a requirement).
so there i went. precinct # 0414A. youngest of all in the blasted list. it didn’t feel like me, boldly lining up to something i’ve never tried before. then they were on about me not having some BIR thingy, and asked if it was my first time, which i find stupid. like im only nineteen, geez. i don’t even look that old (shush). and age aside, my file was like the only crisp white among the stack of yellowing papers.
but on to the voting part now–i realized i mostly wasn’t so sure just yet who to vote for (not angging, that’s sure). there were also a couple of watchers who kept on, well, watching, which made me uncomfortably  self-conscious writing there in the middle of the room (room 13-zeta). there was still ink on my thumb from the cursed stamp pad which i couldn’t avoid printing all over my ballot and i was holding my pen at an angle more awkward than i normally do.
i was planning to arrange my senators in the order of my preference but as i have just described, i was less than able to do just that. some names i put include:

loren legarda: the woman is sure to win, the need to advertise is only to secure the top spot.
joker arroyo: anyone who knows me even just superficially should understand why i’d pick someone of such name. shame he shares the surname with a corrupted midget trying to cover up her shit with compost. apparently still shit.
chiz escudero: he talks funny and i used to hate him for that and tried to convince myself he was always scripted and follows an idiot board. but, undeniably, the guy’s got sense… and 1 1/2 brain.
ralph recto: cheesy advertising, yes, but i believe in him. and also, as i’m sure any insane friend of mine might point out, he’s my step-dad after all (bleargh.gag).
kiko pangilinan: i’m not sure why. but more so, i dunno why the hell not.
noynoy aquino: he makes up for his aunt tessie. that’s about it, i guess. i just always though it was a shame not one of ninoy’s bloodline is going his way.
alan peter cayetano: kudos to this guy. obviously someone he messed up with is trying to get back at him (see joker above)
pichay: NOT. it would take him the same amount of money he’s stolen to convince me to give him my vote, the leafy parasite.

as for the local positions:
zaragoza: or anyone else but angging.
cruz: hell-o. i haven’t trusted quijano even by the looks of him alone since i met him way back in elementary. and yanez can just bite me.
dy: the only one other i know is marzo, who i would put in the sad ranks of quijano.
ramiro: he’s my classmate’s dad! hehe. forget the other councilors. oh yeah, i voted for larrazabal just cause i was given a flyer just before entering the school.

so there. i’ve voted. that’s that. i’m still trying to figure out how to get the freakin  ink off of my finger.

.

.

.

just for the record: i did not vote for AVE as my partylist. :]

the phoenix takes flight

like, i canNOT wait… i am so gonna be going to cdo for this (to hell with the local theaters)

i often get surprised reactions from people who realize i’m still way into harry potter. believe me, i wonder why i am so attached to it too. i just find myself in situations sometimes where i suddenly blurt out spells in vain hopes of achieving something (much like wishing there was some invisible undo button for my life). but anyway, it’ll all be over soon, i hope (at least 77 days, 5 hours, 47 minutes from now as i type this very sentence) when the seventh and last book gets released and i’d be able to get my hands on a copy, then maybe i’d stop wondering what happens next… just maybe…:p

there are times actually when i don’t feel much into this, like the excitement dies out… but eventually it comes back, seeing more of the latest of it… call it my inner phoenix… and right about now, my so-called phoenix is taking flight, obviously (man, i’m corny). still…can’t wait can’t wait can’t wait:)

:)

to rant or not to rant, that is not a question–it is a privilege and a right given to those who subscribe, according to the friendster constitution (which doesn’t exist by the way,  just trying to sound as if i learned from pol sci2). But mind you, friendster is starting to seem a bit political, i think, i don’t ever recall them going "we hear you loud and clear and we are rolling out this new format whatever" for issues past before now that people are complaining about the whole testimonial-comment module issue. quite possibly, the people behind friendster are with the administration, trying to win votes… sneaky ploy… but not good enough… gahd, i’m a brilliant theorist. anyway, talking about votes and all, this is a good time to campaign, as a registered voter, to all politicians out there, my votes are out for grabs for a low enough price. i have serious doubts about this coming elections’ results anyway, i feel like my votes are gonna be useless, so why not waste it for a price, ayt?
but really, on a serious note, politics in the Philippines is at it’s worse. our dysfunctional system’s two decades obsolete with a shameful liar of a dwarf for a president who has a sick husband as a firewall, an unfeeling and inconsiderate secretary of justice who isn’t even the least bit fair, and a whole bunch of other heartless beings comprising most of the posts in her cabinet, doing their dirty deeds in the limelight of showbiz with a smile. scum never looked this clean, i say. God save the Philippines. and God let Pacquiao lose, who knows how many other boxing idiots he’s gonna spawn if he wins. one cross-eyed hero to applaud is enough, goodness.
needless to say, i really really REALLY want to get out of this place as soon as i can. and right now, i’m having uncertainties about nursing helping me do just that. weird, really. and it’s not easy dealing with these, me being on the verge of finishing already (like, i wish) and disillusionment is the last thing i want, especially now that i’m doing requirement completions. urgh. and just last night (gahd, that was just last night?!) i realized i have one major case less cause i cant be the third to get it. wtf. i didnt just scrub back then, i was almost practically the surgeon’s assistant! *sigh* oh well, three major cases under my belt aint bad still.
…
[holy shit, i'm having writer's block blogging? wtf]
…
um…change topic. i have this friend who gave me two packets of lube that came in different, shall i say, flavors (why? you don’t eat them, geez). now, i have yet to try fire but i tell you, ice says it all–and that’s using up just a wee bit of it. it was freakin cool, it almost felt like it was burning. but it was actually of really good use, being that i’ve been cooking lately in the humidity;p

i think i’ll be wrapping this up from here, i can’t remember what it was i was gonna rant about (note to self: pre-write blogs if you can’t type it all straight). bencel, if you read this, thanks for taking my mind off my should-have-been task of blogging:p

…

…

Vote AVE for Partylist

…

…

flight of ideas

underwater murals. chinese characters are cute. i have to name my books. where are my markers? buy a long ruler. drug study. i forgot to take my vitamins. are the clothes back yet? my undies itch. i saw porn last night. oops! i am sam. 3 crinkles for 5. siomai good. there’s a booth in the hospital. going ORTHOpneic next week. buttsore. bland juice. go to mercury. noisy americans. swarming with koreans. am i white now? the shirts are still dirty. we should clean the room. the food sucks. i think i’ll go to robinson’s before going back. the camera needs a doctor. rodrigo funny. i used to look like bruce lee. enter the elv dragon. what kind of a teacher is she? i need to chart. the printer’s with aida. daryl owe’s me i don’t know how much. the bed has to go to make more space in the room. make the phone ring louder! mcdo is closed now. i miss my sister!!! ini oh. uno dos tres. sucky play therapy. requirements! underwater murals?

psyche!

i am online.

[pause]

wow…

[pause]

…

[pause]

they serve crappy juice in this cafe

…

and i’m paying P30 an hour…

[pause]

wow.

[savoring my onlineness]

*sigh*

wtF

there are endless things to rant about in this world. here’s se7en of them:

psychia fieldtrip. wha..? extra minor subject assignments while
on duty? hell no. someone’s brain is clogged with mucus. how the hell
do you cough that out? but seriously, teachers are seldom wrong and always listen to reason. *rolls eyes*

pacman for congressman. say what? wtF! ah…politics and boxing go together…ah…you know…sign my paper thing or i punch you… royt. and i thought jinggoy was pathetic.

sana maulit muli. wish repeat again. yes, i watched this. cheap script. cyclic redundancy. *at least this lives up to the title* characters are unbelievably stupid, exaggeratedly stubborn-evil, unrealistically  kind, or at least two of these. they’re not even consistent. wtF

manila shoe… thingy…shop… so they gave my duty shoes to
some other client who was glad enough to replace his dead ones. what
can i do? the (rather stupid) guy i trusted could have just cried in
wowowee about how i was too evil to let the issue pass without payment.
wtF. *sigh* rushafrshmachfckngah… you thank my mum, git. we’re not
rich but poor people really can’t just use their status to get away
with their faults.

unlitxt. good news! ang globe unlimited text offers ay mas pinasulit na! shut up! WTF?! have you been eating simcards?!! wtF is wrong with you?!

"alaska". more than just the milk we know. and everyone’s intolerant. we’ve all known the golden rule from elementary i believe, so why the F do people do to other people what they don’t want for themselves. i’ve been a frequent victim and witness to this and i’d rather not contribute (though i might have already). the world’s sick enough as it is people, let’s not make things worse. we keep on waiting on the world to change… let’s wait on ourselves for a change:)

me. i’ve lots to do. tons to attend to. what am i doing now? wtF. screw this.